I have an older sister who is married, and we have a dear friend who is LIKE an older sister who just got married last year. I was agonizing over my doubts and trying to get some answers from my sister Katie. Now, this sister met her now-husband in August, got engaged in September, and was married in November. She knew immediately what she wanted and moved forward without hesitation. I am so PROUD and also so JEALOUS of her for being able to do that, because MY BRAIN/HEART DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. We are just wired differently, you know? So Katie suggested that I call this pseudo-sister Mindy and get her input, because she is "wired" similarly to me. (She and I both served an LDS mission, she and I both take a long time to fall in love, she and I both have lots of goals and dreams and plans about traveling and motherhood and careers, etc.)
I called Mindy and left her a halting voicemail, just saying that I was in a tight spot and needed some sisterly advice. To my surprise, Mindy called back within five minutes. I explained my situation. I am dating this boy, but there are a few other guys I COULD be dating, but they are/have different personalities/majors/
nationalities/love-languages/hobbies/talents/heights/weights/jobs etc. etc. etc. and I have NO IDEA what is the best option. What if I would be happier with someone else? What if I would have more financial stability with someone else? What if someone else will make a better husband/lover/father/professional/adventurer? What if I make the wrong choice now and regret it later? What if he's making the wrong choice and I won't make him happy at all? What if, what if, what if?
Mindy listened and I could hear her smile over the phone. She said that she usually doesn't have much eloquence in her words, but years ago when a friend was freaking out about her wedding date, Mindy felt this advice slip into her mind very clearly: Don't let the fear of "what if" destroy the happiness of "what is."
What I have with my sweetheart right now is wonderful. What we have right now is exciting, inspiring, surprising, fun, comfortable, stable, and safe.
Don't let the fear of "what if" destroy the happiness of "what is."
Last year, when Mindy was stressing about her own wedding date, that friend called her and repeated the same advice back to her.
Mindy has now passed it on to me, and I pass it on to you. Maybe you are "wired" like I am and needed to hear this, too.
I Love you Leah!!!! That is the best advice I've ever received and it came straight from above. I finally decided that getting married was just as much a leap of faith as going on a mission, choosing a major, or anything else I had faced before. I just had to choose faith over fear and let the "what if's" go. You are amazing and I am super proud of the courage you are showing in this process.
ReplyDeleteAnother thought I had a while ago is also to wonder "What if this man is my perfect match?" "What if I don't marry him and I miss out on the most amazing blessings of a lifetime?" Sometimes it can be helpful to think that way too. But the best guide will always be the Lord. You know that already though. *wink*
Those are the good "what ifs," aren't they! :) I know the Lord puts people in path at certain times. I've been asking for help in finding my future husband for quite a while now, and recently He's sent me lots of reassurance that I'm heading the right direction. :)
DeleteHi Leah, Aunt Lisa here giving My $0.02 and advise.
ReplyDeleteIf you have ANY DOUBTS WHAT-SO-EVER don't get married.
I was raised much differently than you and as you may know I have been divorced too many times because of marrying the wrong guy. I had doubts and questions each time I got remarried and I thought it was just "pre-marriage nerves".
If things are going good for you right now but you have any doubts, please wait at least another year before you marry. If your love is there it will be there next year too. If after a year you still have doubts, then maybe it's just not right.
I've been in unhappy marriages and I would hate for you to have the realization of the doubt AFTER you get married. I know the feeling of "feeling stuck." It's a personal sadness to carry in your heart and the feeling of aloneness is even more sad because you will carry that regret inside and with your upbringing you probably won't get divorced and will just live with it and make the best of your choice of getting married. I on the other hand, refused to be unhappy and feeling miserable with my wrong choices. I should have listened to my intuition and not have gotten married when I had my doubts.
Leah, if you have any doubts if he is the right one please wait. (I know now) that when you get married there shouldn't be any doubts. You should know in your heart that he is the one.
I truly wish I would have listened to my intuition. Hugs!!
These are valid thoughts, Aunt Lisa. Thank you! I really appreciate all comments, especially including people who were brought up differently than I was. I certainly don't want to feel "stuck." I intend to be sure - not sure that it's going to be perfect, not sure that I am completely ready for marriage (because how can anyone really be ready for marriage?), but sure that this is what I want - before I take that step. Something that I've always struggled with is just "going with the flow" instead of proactively CHOOSING my path. I've been thinking a lot lately about CHOOSING the life I will live and the man I will marry for the right reasons. This gives me some more food for thought.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think you could have done differently to figure out those "pre-marriage nerves?"
As I’ve looked back over the years, they weren't pre-marriage nerves. It was my intuition (my heart) telling me it's not right and I ignored it. I spent more time in Bible studies, women's groups, going to church, praying, analyzing the marriage, and seeking what’s wrong with me after I was already married; and after all the Bible studies, women’s groups, praying, analyzing and seeking (for several years) I felt it best to end the marriage because it just wasn’t healthy being in it. My circumstances are different than yours, and again, a different upbringing.
DeleteI’ve always struggled with going with the flow too and I realize my mistakes after the fact.
Sometimes I feel that the brain damage I had when I was 15 (in a coma for 17 days) has a lot to do with my relationships and decision making. Brain damage does something to people, it’s hard to explain, but my brain just thinks and reacts differently. I’ve done a bit of research on brain damage and from what I’ve read it explains “me” perfectly.
My circumstances were different than yours but the question is, “How do I know?” I've learned that you need to feel it in your heart and if you have doubts even after praying, fasting, Bible studying and talking with family and friends it wouldn’t hurt to wait another year. What’s the rush? “You” are only going to get married once so why not make this the most important decision of your life and be 100% certain it’s what you want?
Do what’s in your heart hun.